Which Paragraphs Would You Rather Read?
by Kathleen M.
If you were a college admissions officer and had the opportunity to read hundreds of personal narratives, what would you want to read?
Sometimes it is fun to imagine yourself as the audience. So as you read the three introductions below, think about which essay you would like to read and why. Once you have read through, click on the Details tab to find out what I think about each.
Example 1: Tennis and Computer Science
From the rhythmic thud of a tennis ball against my racket to the precise syntax of a computer program, my journey has been one of passion and precision. As a dedicated athlete and aspiring computer scientist, I’ve learned that both disciplines require a blend of strategy, perseverance, and a relentless pursuit of improvement. These seemingly disparate worlds have shaped not only my skills on the court and behind the screen but also my approach to life itself. Each match and coding challenge has taught me invaluable lessons about discipline, creativity, and the power of resilience in the face of adversity.
First, you should know I used AI to create this paragraph. You can tell because of the formula like pattern of the paragraph and the language that doesn’t read like a real person. This is part one of this lesson for you!
Then, you should know that the idea of passions that you will pursue when you are seventeen is idealistic but not perhaps yet true. You may have deep interests or subjects you would like to pursue but maybe not yet passions.
Finally, what comes next could be more on almost anything – this introduction is so general as to leave a lot to the reader’s imagination. You intro should be inviting but should also direct the reader more clearly to understand what you will discuss.
Example 2: Dance and Law
In the fluidity of a pirouette and the precision of legal argumentation, I find an intersection where my passions for dance and law converge. Dance, with its expressive movements and storytelling through motion, has taught me the art of communication beyond words. Meanwhile, my fascination with law stems from its ability to uphold justice and navigate complexities with clarity and reason. Together, these disciplines have shaped my perspective, instilling in me a deep appreciation for the power of expression and the pursuit of equity. As I embark on this journey of self-discovery and academic growth, I am eager to explore how these passions intertwine and guide my path forward.
Again – this is an AI created paragraph. Had you guessed this time? Can you feel the artificial nature of this language? It sounds impressive but doesn’t really communicate anything. Keep this in mind as you proceed with your applications. Ask AI for advice and information, but resist the temptation to ask it to draft for you. You will need to spend so much time revising that the time saving first step will end up costing you.
There are some bonuses to the AI formula, but this paragraph really communicates nothing. Do you have any sense of what will come next?
Example 3: Band and Biology
I have played saxophone in my high school’s jazz band for the last three years. What I love about music and specifically the saxophone is the sound that you can create from your breath. Playing in a band also has taught me that I love the rhythms that are created and the harmonies that exist between instruments and players. This fluid sense of musicality that I have learned in jazz band highlights my interest in exploring biological engineering. I have excelled in biology and computer science and loved the discussions about ethics we had in my philosophy course and would like to see how these topics can play together like the instruments in band work together to form a new sound.
I wrote this introduction, and hope you could guess that. I hope you could hear that there is a person writing this and that this person has perhaps to revise a few times but has a viable opening here. The rest of the essay might use the metaphor of musicality to explore the fields mentioned here and show how much the student has done in terms of classes and activities as a precursor to college learning.
I hope this was a fun exercise for you and that you can both envision what admissions officers might encounter in the course of reading personal narratives. I hope you also recognize that AI is a tool but should not replace your voice as a writer. And I hope it helps you think about how you would like to open your personal narrative.
